anintrovertinlove's Blog

Story of an introvert

Day 6 — Something New Part Four

Day 6 — Something New Part Four

 

I looked over at her and she was serious; I could tell she was thinking about something. I started wondering what was on her mind, whether it was something good or something bad. An old memory or a new memory, an old feeling or a new feeling, I couldn’t possibly think of anything. I was about to dismiss it as maybe I was just over—thinking, but then she turned her head and was looking straight into my eyes. She asked, “Do you ever just feel . . . lost?” Her tone changed. I could see the pain and sorrow in her eyes — it was the same sadness I see when I look in the mirror. All this time it was hidden behind her smile and concealed through her so called happiness –— and even if she still tried to place on the perfect act, I saw right through it. I never knew there could be more to her; it never crossed my mind –— not even for a second — that maybe she was just in as much pain as I was. I realized we all had our struggles, and she was no different, I just didn’t know what her struggle was.

“I’m not sure, what do you mean?” My tone was monotonous. I already knew what she meant — I didn’t feel lost –— I was lost –— but that didn’t matter to me; I wanted her to elaborate, that maybe I could figure out why she felt lost. It’s easy to answer what or who or any other question, but when it came to why, it was different – it needed an answer. It’s the type of question that leaves us lying on the floor, dying, if left unanswered. It was the water that drowned you as you sank in the ocean of curiosity, or the darkness that devoured you as you fell into the pit of wondering. Why — it was the question that killed.  

“I don’t know,” she turned her head back to the sky. “I don’t know.” She was silent and for a moment the silence was deafening.

That wasn’t good enough for me; her answer was fuel to the flames. I was still looking at her, “Are you okay?” I asked.

She didn’t answer. I turned my head back to the sky. I forgot about the pain on my ankle, the ice had numbed it. Jennifer got up and I looked at her, she smiled, “Time to go, dork!” Her tone changed, she was happy again. One moment, she was completely gloomy, the next, cheerful. There was definitely more to her than meets the eye, I had to figure out what it was.

I sat up. “Uhh, little help please?” I nodded towards my ankle.

“Oh yeah! I forgot about that, poor wittle Callum got a booboo on his wittle foot.” She was mimicking the voice of a child. She started laughing again.

“Glad you’re enjoying yourself, over there. I guess I’ll just crawl home,” I replied.

“You mean crawl to the diner! We’re still gonna grab something to eat, you know!” she started, “or is poor wittle Callum too sad because he hurt his wittle foot?”

“Real funny, now please help me up?” I pouted my lips thinking it would help.

“I thought you’re gonna crawl, dork?” She really did enjoy teasing me. “Just playing with ya, here,” she extended her arm, her hand open. I grabbed it and got up, my weight was completely on my left foot.

“Just wondering, but now that I’m up, how am I gonna go to the diner?” I asked her.

“I didn’t exactly think that part through yet, you’re the dork, I thought you would figure it out,” she answered.

I tried to walk, but had no choice but to limp.

“Stop here dork, I’ll ask Gretchen for help. You’re gonna end up eating brekky in the diner if you keep up your pace.”

She went inside. It took longer than the first time, but when she came back, she was holding crutches. Tiny crutches.

“I guess it’s your lucky day dork! I mean, aside from getting injured from the swing, at least you have crutches!” She said in a sarcastic tone. She was holding up the crutches like it was a prize.

“Oh jolly, I really am lucky,” I was slightly sarcastic as well. But I did mean it. It was by far one of the best days of my life, the others being the past few days. If injuries meant I ended up spending time with Jennifer then I wouldn’t mind being in a coma for life. She handed me the crutches, they were tiny, almost half my size, and I had to bend down to use them.

“Sorry, they were the only ones they had,” She was sincere.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to say sorry,” I smiled; I didn’t want her to feel bad. It was already dark, but not too dark. It was half past 6; time really did fly when I was with her. I started walking with the crutches, I looked awkward but it was quicker than limping. She was standing there, watching, “well what are you waiting for? Let’s go” I said, still smiling.

She started laughing, “You’re going the wrong way, dork!”

I blushed again, but good thing it wasn’t clear, “I knew that,” I responded.

“Sure you did,” she said in a prolonged tone. “Come on, dork! I’m kinda hungry already.”

We first went to the kids to say bye, they all told me they wanted to see me again, but I didn’t want to make promises so I told them plausibly. We went to Susan and Alma and said bye, it turns out they were the ones taking care of the kids; they were close friends of Gretchen so that’s why she’d occasionally help out. We asked where Gretchen was but they told us she already went ahead to the diner. So we left and started walking towards the diner. I asked her how come the kids knew her so well, she told me she visited a lot and would play with them. She would try to go every day but usually ended up busy. We made it to the diner and I opened the door for her despite my disability.

“Ladies first,” I smiled. She just looked at me, her face straight again. I was confused, she didn’t enter the diner.

“I… I have to go.” She left right away, in a hurry.

“Oh. Uhh” I sensed her misery again, she was still trying to hide it, but I felt it in her tone. What could possibly be wrong, I wondered.

I entered the diner and saw Gretchen. She was putting on her coat, “Hey Callum, sorry but we’re closing early tonight,” she said to me. I still walked towards the counter where I always sat; I was more focused on what was wrong with Jennifer. My body was present, my brain too, but my mind was lost in the maze of Jennifer. “Callum?” she said again.

“Huh?” I was dazed.

“We’re closing early, sweetie,” she gave a smile.

“Oh, uhh, sorry,” I said, monotonous again. It was all I said, and I just left; I didn’t want to start a conversation or anything.

I got home and I was too tired to cook, or at least too dazed to function so I just ate cheerios. I went up to the rooftop and laid down, it was a clear night sky –— you could see all the stars shining. Lost. . . we’re all lost.  

Day 6 — Something New Part Three

“I think it’s time Prince Callum and I go back to our kingdom, okay beauties?” Jennifer said to the ladies.

She said ‘our kingdom’ I couldn’t help but feel. Someday, I told myself. I’ll be her prince. I may not be the strongest one, the most athletic one or the most good looking one. I may not even be the kindest one, or even the sweetest one. I may be nothing and unworthy of being her prince, and there will be tons of princes much more deserving and better than I. But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop trying. I’m gonna make her the happiest princess there ever was even if it means complete darkness for me. I’m gonna love her like she deserves to be loved. Everything will be just for her. Everyday I’m gonna —

“Prince Callum! You shouldn’t make your princess wait,” she grinned; I snapped out of my world. She was smiling, looking at me, her hand extended. Oh yeah! We were suppose to leave, she must have been waiting for me. 

“Bye prince Callum!” They all said together. They were happy, not happy that I was leaving, but happy they met me. I could sense it in their tone.

“Uhh, right. Bye beautiful princesses, it was a pleasure meeting you all,” I  gave a warm smile. “Hope I can see you, gu- I mean, ladies, again soon.” I got up from my seat. What a relief! I think if I sat for 1 more minute, my butt would’ve cramped. Jennifer was still standing, her hand extended, and I was doubting whether or not I should grab it. ‘Doubting’ that’s a nice word — just an extra thought. It was a unique word. Only two English words contained a ‘doub’ and doubt was one of them. Imagine it. Out of almost a million different words, ‘doubt’ was one of only two words that had a ‘doub’ (the other was double) It’s amazing. I found things like this amazing, simple things. Mostly nerdy things. 

“Shall we?” Her arm was still extended.

Make a decision, make a decision, make a decision. Come on, Callum, make a decision!Hold it, Callum! Hold it!! My heart started to beat faster, I could feel the adrenaline being pumped. I was a bit shaky, but I went for it. “We shall,” I smiled and held her hand. It was truly the best feeling I’ve ever felt. I never knew holding hands with a girl you like felt this way. I couldn’t help but smile. It made sense now — people saying that the best things in life are free and simple — and this was the perfect example. I could hold her hand forever and still be smiling at the end. We walked out, it only lasted around 5 seconds, but those 5 seconds were better than all the 17 years I’ve lived combined. It was obvious I was nervous, I wasn’t sure if I was holding too tight or too loose. I had no idea if she was fine with it or not, I was starting to panic again. 

We reached the door and we both let go. “You have sweaty hands, dork,” she was laughing. My face turned red, I was embarrassed. What to say, what to say, what to say, I kept thinking. I wanted to say something witty to make her forget that.

“That’s prince dork to you,” I smiled, my face still red. Nice one, Callum, I felt like it was my day. I felt different.

She laughed some more, “You sure do know how to make me smile, prince dork,” she said. It was the truth, I could feel the truth in it — except for the prince part, of course. Maybe not yet.

I opened the door for her and asked, “So where exactly are we going? It’s still half past 4 and Gretchen said I can only leave at 5,” now that I said it, it sounded ultra lame. So maybe it wasn’t entirely my day.

“Don’t worry, dork, I tied and locked up Gretchen and the others.” She looked at me and gave a serious stare. It was so serious, I was about to believe her. “I’m just messing with ya! We’re gonna go to the swings” She smiled. The swings? I’ve only ever been on a swing once, and it was a long time ago. I think I was 6 at the time. Crazy right? It’s not that I’ve never been to a place with a swing set; we had a huge play park complete with everything back when I was in grade-school  it’s just that the kids bullied me, so I stayed away. 

We walked out and went to the playground. The boys were running around and playing then Jennifer called them and told them it was time to go back to their room. They all each hugged Jennifer before heading back. Each and every one of them. Even if they were sweaty and dirty, she didn’t mind; she hugged them back just as tight. I saw her perfectly again at that moment. She just kept amazing me in different ways, and didn’t even have to try. It was natural. Like if she were an athlete, she’d be one of those naturally gifted kind, the kind that were born just to play that sport, and yet still as humble as a beggar. She’s amazing — yes, I’ve said it a thousand times, but the thing is, I can’t stress how amazing she is, she’s amazingly amazing, and no matter how hard I try to describe her to you, you’ll never truly know how beautiful, kind, or amazing she is — And this is what kills me the most. I want the whole world to love her, I want the whole world to truly know how great she is, ‘cause she deserves so much, she deserves the world, the sun, the moon, and every star out there to know how lovely she is.

She finished hugging them, and called me over to the swings. Damn, I have no idea if I know how to swing. I remembered seeing in a movie, the boy would kick his legs and he goes up, and bend them when he goes back down, so I thought I’d give it a try. I used to watch movies alot, that was one of my ‘worlds’I never read books, I hated them. This was until I was 14, I went to the library to borrow a book for school, and while I was looking for it, I saw this book, it was entitled “The diary journal of a boy” and so I picked it up, and it wasn’t like all the other books I had to read, there were some photos in it, and the font size was bigger than usual, and this was the very first book I’ve ever read without being forced. After that, I read more and more and eventually, I fell in love with reading. You see, reading is like an escape, it’s like instead of watching a movie, you’re in the movie. It’s the words, the syntax, the plot, action, voice and pacing and dialogue. It’s the characters with character. It’s how the author put words together to touch, to entertain, to move the reader, to change his/her life. It’s all of this — this is why I fell in love with reading.

So she sat on the first swing, and I sat on the next one. I told myself: If kids could do it, why can’t I, right? I looked over at her and smiled. I tried to copy exactly what I remembered the boy was doing in the movie, so I bent my legs and then kicked. I didn’t move. I tried it again, and I ended up just wobbling the swing without actually moving forward or back. Damn this is hard, I thought I’d give it one last try, so I kicked again, but I still didn’t move forward or back. I heard Jennifer giggle and I looked over at her again.

“What on Earth are you doing, dork?” She started to laugh. I loved how her eyes lit up — it made me looking like a complete idiot worth it.

“Uhh, I have a confession to make,” I started. “I don’t know how to swing.” My face turned slightly dull. She thought it was a joke at first, but then she sensed I was telling the truth.

“What? Is that even possible?!” She exclaimed. She was still laughing.

“I’ve only ever been on a swing once, you see, I never really got the chance to learn,” I felt quite embarrassed but she seemed okay with it.

“You really are weird” She said smiling. She stood up and walked towards me. “Here, I’ll help you,” She stood behind me and pushed. “Just sway your legs, dork!” I listened to her advice, I started swaying my legs and started swinging. “There, you’re getting the hang of it!” She exclaimed. She was really happy.

I was embarrassed but I haven’t had this much fun in a long time. I went really high! It was crazy. It was beyond fun, I went higher than her head, and I kept swinging. “This is so fun!” I said, unintentionally. I guess it was a reflex. 

“You really were telling the truth, huh, dork?” She said to me. She stopped pushing, but I got the hang of it. My leg motions were in equilibrium and I started swinging perfectly. She sat back down on her swing, “Having fun, dork?” She asked. She was just as happy as I. 

“Yeah! This is really fun!” I said out loud. It felt like if I went any higher, I’d go over the swing set. I was getting tired, so I decided to stop, but then I realized, I didn’t know how. “Wait, so, uhh, how do I stop?” I asked her.

“You jump!” She said, laughing.

“What?..” My face turned straight. I thought she was joking, but then I could tell she was dead serious.

“You jump off the swing! It’s the only way, don’t worry, dork, you can do it!” She cheered me on. She was really happy for some reason. It made me even happier.

“You sure about this?” I asked again. I was hoping she would respond with a ‘just kidding’

“Yeah, stop being a wimp!” She said jokingly. “Go! Go!” Her voice getting louder and louder, “Go! Go! Go!!!”

I didn’t have a choice, so the moment the swing reached its peak, I jumped. I landed farther than expected and landed awkwardly. I twisted my right ankle, I didn’t shout or scream, I tried to keep my cool, hoping I was mistaken. I looked back and smiled.

“You did it, dork! Well, actually, you could’ve just placed you feet against the ground to stop, but that’s boring,” She was smiling.

“Thanks for that, it’s not like I could’ve died or anything,” I said jokingly. I was gonna walk back to her, but the moment my weight was placed on my ankle, it failed on me. “Ah” I said out loud as I fell.

“Very funny, dork,” she thought I was trying to trick her.

“I’m serious, I twisted it when I landed,” I told her, I was still smiling though. 

She approached me and looked at my ankle, “Oh, you really did, it’s swollen. Wait right here, I’ll get you ice.”

“No problem, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t planning on going anywhere,” I said, teasing her, I really was acting different, like I was slowly getting comfortable talking to her. No more stuttering. 

“Very funny, dork,” she remarked before going to get ice. She came back, it just took a minute. “Here, this should help,” she placed the ice pack on my ankle.

It was definitely the first time I sprained my ankle, and I think it was the first time I had to place ice on a body part. This day just kept giving me surprises. “Ooof, it’s so cold,”

“Well duh, dork, it’s ice! Is it suppose to be hot?” She was cheeky, but in a good way.

“Uhh, technically speaking, with sodium acetate trihydrate dissolved in water then cooled below the point at which it was saturated, then adding a ‘seed’ crystal, you create a nucleation center and solidification begins, after a minute, it technically becomes ice, but it gives off heat since the formation of crystals release energy, so technically speaking, ice can be hot,” I answered, it was a rhetorical question, I guess, but I read books and had no friends, so I enjoyed answering the rhetorics as I read and I guess it stuck.

“So this is how dorky Callum gets all his girls — He lures them in by injuring himself on a swing and hooks them with…” She paused, “Chemistry” She was giggling, “Help me, I’m being sucked into Callum’s blackhole of charming Chemistry information,” she was falling slowly to the ground beside me as she said it. We were now lying beside each other on the grass.

We were staring at the sky and it was already starting to dim. It was a beautiful sky — and looking at it with her made it even more beautiful.

Day 6 — Something New Part One

I was shockingly excited for the feeding; it was my first time joining something  like this. I don’t usually do things too public, I enjoy being in the background. Sort of like a shadow. Gretchen told me before I left the diner yesterday that it’ll just be a few people, maybe 4 or 5, so that eased up my agitation. So I went to the diner at around 10 for brunch, the breakfast here was to die for. Their bacon somehow tasted a thousand times better than any other bacon and they had perfect sunny side up eggs with crispy golden brown toast. I finished my meal and after a few minutes, went on over to the orphanage with Gretchen. The orphanage was a 5 minute walk away from the diner. This was the first time I’ve walked down the road with Gretchen. Now that I think of it, it was the first time I’ve walked down the road with anyone. I don’t remember the last time I had company. All of the kids in this orphanage had one thing in common, they were all abandoned by their parents at an early age. I understood their pain — being left by your own two parents — the worst part is, they left out of choice. They made that decision to leave you. The two people that’s suppose to love you the most, just leave you. They leave you like you were nothing to them. It messes you up. My parents left me when I was 14 years old, but I don’t wanna think about it though.

We got to the orphanage and Gretchen introduced me to two other ladies, I think their names were Susan and Alma. They were a bit old, maybe in their 50’s. They were kind people though, they kept smiling and repeating that they were glad I came to help. Gretchen assigned me in a room with the young ones, there were 7 of them, aged around 4-8 years old. The moment I saw them, it killed me inside. Seeing these kids at such a young age already parent-less but I had to suck it up. Lunch wasn’t gonna be served until an hour from then so I had to play with them. I honestly didn’t know what to do, I was bad with people, and kids weren’t an exception. 

“Uhmm, hi guys, so my name is Callum.” I was saying until I was cut off by a little girl.

“How about us girls?” She said in her innocent voice.

“Oh, I mean, hi guys and girls. My name is Callum and I’m here to feed you guys, oh and uh girls, today. I mean, not literally spoon feed you but I brought food. Wait, I didn’t bring food, my friend is gonna cook food for you.. I think. Unless she already cooked it, then she just brought it.”   I have a tendency to talk a lot when I’m nervous and edgy. It’s either that, or complete stuttering and silence. I didn’t know what was worse. This was harder than I thought, I was thinking.

“You’re funny, mister.” Said the girl who corrected me.

“You talk alot.” said a boy.

And after those two comments, they just flooded in.

“What does liter-ab-ly mean?” said one of the boys.

“I think you’re weird.” said another.

“Is the food yummy?”

“What kind of food is it? Will there be ice cream?” One of the kids said enthusiastically.

This sparked a mini riot.

“I want ice cream!”

“Me too!”

“What kind of flavors are there?”

“I’m gonna eat all the ice cweam.” the youngest one said. He was a chubby 4 year old boy.

I tried to calm them down.

“Uh I don’t know if there’s ice cream and I don’t know what’s the food, I’m sorry guys. And uh girls.” I thought of a way to take their minds off the questions. A game! I thought. “Who wants to, ha, play a, ha” I was about to sneeze. “ga-chu!” I sneezed. All the kids laughed. Well that took their minds off of questions.

“You’re weird but I like you, mister.” Remarked the girl who called me funny. 

I barely knew any games, I never participated in any when I was younger. The only one that popped up in my mind was “The Floor Is Lava” the game is exactly like the title, You imagine the floor is lava and you don’t step on it. I never played it before, but I did watch a few. The floor in the room were tiles of blue and red so I decided that all the red tiles were lava, and all the blue tiles were water, which was safe to step on. I explained the game to the kids and they seemed to all understand so I started the game. My plan instantly backfired. Just a few minutes into the game, one of the boys stepped on the red tiles. I guess he was really into it and was really imagining ‘cause after he stepped on it, he fell to the ground screaming “Help meeeee, it burnssss” and was rolling all over shouting. This scared all the girls and they were crying saying they don’t wanna die. The other boys followed the first one and rolled around the floor shouting “Ahhh, the lava is burning us” Everything turned into chaos. I tried to stop the game.

“Everyone calm down, it’s just a game. It’s over now.” The boys didn’t listen and the girls were still crying.

“but they’re burning, we don’t wanna die, mister” They started sobbing and wouldn’t stop. None of them listened to me. But that’s when it happened.

“Kids! What’s happening here?! Do you gentlemen and ladies miss me that much?” All the kids stopped instantly and started to smile. The voice felt like it was the voice of a lifeguard saving me from drowning telling me I’m gonna be just fine. It was the voice of an angel, cliche, I know, but that’s the closest thing to describe that voice. I turned my head, and saw that beautiful scene I told you about. That beautiful smile.

“H-H-uh” I stuttered again. I could never speak. Her presence was the vacuum that stole the air from my words.

“Hey dork!” She was smiling. “Didn’t expect to see you here.” Her voice sounded like she was shocked but happy to see me here. 

“Yeah, uh, Jennifer invited me. Wait wait,” I started panicking again. ” I mean, uh, Gretchen invited me.” I tried to keep the conversation going. “Thanks for uh” I paused for a while. Trying to think, but again, my mind was blank. She not only stole my words, but she stole my thoughts and my mind revolved solely around her. As if, my mind was the Earth and she was the Sun. I tried my best to continue. “thanks for making the uh kids stop crying. I didn’t know what to do. I told them about food and they kept asking questions, so I tried to take their minds off of it, and so I thought of a game, and this was the only game I could think of, then we played, and the boys were rolling and the girls were crying and I was panicking and I didn’t know what to do.” I was blabbering again. 

“You really do talk alot, mister.” Said the little girl again.

“Oh, uh, sorry, I talk alot when I’m nervous, I think.” 

Jennifer smiled even more as if my edginess complimented her. “Why’re ya nervous, dork?” She grinned. 

It’s because I really like you. I really really like you and I can’t help it. Go Callum, tell her, I thought. “It’s ‘cause uhh, it’s ‘cause I really—”

“Food time!” Said Gretchen opening the door. I was happy, it felt like she saved me from making a complete fool of myself. “So I see you met, Jennifer. She’s a wonderful lady.” Gretchen said to me smiling.

I know, I know. She’s more than wonderful, I thought.

Day 5 — Questions

I was still feeling a bit ill and wanted to take it easy. Even if it were summer, I still tried to make my days productive. It wasn’t that hard anyway; I usually slept early ‘cause I had no reason to stay awake. My dreams were almost always vivid and crystal clear– so I was usually eager to go to bed. My sleep was my third “me place.” Except in this place, I could be anything and anyone I want. I wasn’t the loser Callum that had no friends. I wasn’t awkward, geeky, or unloved. I was normal. The sad thing was that most of the time, it came to a point where sleep was my escape and waking up was my punishment; that reality was the chain that held my arms and legs and no matter how many times I tried to break it, it never budged. Anyway, I decided that I would be lazy so I watched tv the whole morning. The shows from my childhood were way better than the shows that were on, way way better. It made me feel sorta sorry for the kids today. I mean, before, we had Thundercats, Power Rangers, Monchichi, Yogi Bear, Astroboy, Justice League, and so many other cool shows and now, all they have are lame sing along shows. Not that I really care though—I rarely watch tv—but still, it would be nice to watch a decent cartoon once in awhile. I’d probably still watch tv if they had Thundercats or the original Power Rangers. Lunch time came and I was feeling way better so I went down to the diner to eat.

“Hey Gretchen!” I said as I entered. She was always siting beside the door reading old magazines.

“Oh, Callum, just the person I was looking for. I didn’t see you yesterday.” She said while placing the magazine back on the rack.

“I was feeling ill so I decided to stay home.” You could see the worry in her face as I said that. “I’m okay now though.” I said, smiling. I didn’t want her to worry. She said I was just the person she was looking for, that was the first time she said something like that, it made me edgy and nervous at the same time.

“Then you should’ve been resting today as well, Callum.” She knew I was living alone and had no one else with me so she couldn’t help but care. It actually felt pretty good when she’d worry, I guess I was just unfamiliar to the feeling. It also made me feel sorta guilty though.

“I’m feeling better, I promise.” I reassured her, still smiling.

“If you say so, Callum.” She smiled. Sucha gorgeous smile. It made me miss Jennifer. It also made me feel stupid. I didn’t know why I missed Jennifer. I could never be with her and she’d never want to be with a guy like me. I didn’t know why I kept holding on to this absurd fantasy. “Anyway, Callum,” said Gretchen. I snapped out of my thoughts. “I’m joining a feeding session at the orphanage tomorrow and I wanted you to come. It’ll be fun for you! You might make some friends.”

“Sure, why not.” I said. I didn’t dwell deep into the idea, but what could go wrong right?

“That’s great! So meet me here tomorrow at around 11, okay?”

“Alright!” I said. “And I’ll have the usual please.”

“Okidoki, consider it my treat!” She said smiling. That was a also a first.

I finished eating and went over to the library. I decided to read at home; I didn’t want to bump into Jennifer. I mean, I really wanted to, but I just know this isn’t gonna work. It’s just a stupid fantasy. So I borrowed the book The Old Man and the Sea, it was a short book, just to kill time. I quickly headed home and entered my world. It was a quick read, it was about an old man trying to catch a huge fish. He spent days battling it and he finally caught it, but in the end, as he was going back to shore, he lost it. All of it. Yet, he wasn’t mad about it. He wasn’t furious. He just accepted it. I wonder how anyone could do that, you work so hard for something but in the end it’s taken all away. That’s real tough, if it were me, I’d go crazy and berserk. I finished the book by 5 and killed time by going to the roof top. I laid on the tiles and just watched the sky, I watched the clouds pass by, the birds fly, and the sun slowly go down. The sun set reminded me of Jennifer again. Could I really distance myself from her? Her beauty was way greater than the sunset yet I couldn’t even keep myself from watching the sun go down. I was greatly attracted to its beauty. How much more Jennifer’s beauty. Could I really distance myself from her pull? Could I really do it?

Day 5 — Questions

I was still feeling a bit ill and wanted to take it easy. Even if it were summer, I still tried to make my days productive. It wasn’t that hard anyway; I usually slept early ‘cause I had no reason to stay awake. My dreams were almost always vivid and crystal clear– so I was usually eager to go to bed. My sleep was my third “me place.” Except in this place, I could be anything and anyone I want. I wasn’t the loser Callum that had no friends. I wasn’t awkward, geeky, or unloved. I was normal. The sad thing was that most of the time, it came to a point where sleep was my escape and waking up was my punishment; that reality was the chain that held my arms and legs and no matter how many times I tried to break it, it never budged. Anyway, I decided that I would be lazy so I watched tv the whole morning. The shows from my childhood were way better than the shows that were on, way way better. It made me feel sorta sorry for the kids today. I mean, before, we had Thundercats, Power Rangers, Monchichi, Yogi Bear, Astroboy, Justice League, and so many other cool shows and now, all they have are lame sing along shows. Not that I really care though—I rarely watch tv—but still, it would be nice to watch a decent cartoon once in awhile. I’d probably still watch tv if they had Thundercats or the original Power Rangers. Lunch time came and I was feeling way better so I went down to the diner to eat.

“Hey Gretchen!” I said as I entered. She was always siting beside the door reading old magazines.

“Oh, Callum, just the person I was looking for. I didn’t see you yesterday.” She said while placing the magazine back on the rack.

“I was feeling ill so I decided to stay home.” You could see the worry in her face as I said that. “I’m okay now though.” I said, smiling. I didn’t want her to worry. She said I was just the person she was looking for, that was the first time she said something like that, it made me edgy and nervous at the same time.

“Then you should’ve been resting today as well, Callum.” She knew I was living alone and had no one else with me so she couldn’t help but care. It actually felt pretty good when she’d worry, I guess I was just unfamiliar to the feeling. It also made me feel sorta guilty though.

“I’m feeling better, I promise.” I reassured her, still smiling.

“If you say so, Callum.” She smiled. Sucha gorgeous smile. It made me miss Jennifer. It also made me feel stupid. I didn’t know why I missed Jennifer. I could never be with her and she’d never want to be with a guy like me. I didn’t know why I kept holding on to this absurd fantasy. “Anyway, Callum,” said Gretchen. I snapped out of my thoughts. “I’m joining a feeding session at the orphanage tomorrow and I wanted you to come. It’ll be fun for you! You might make some friends.”

“Sure, why not.” I said. I didn’t dwell deep into the idea, but what could go wrong right?

“That’s great! So meet me here tomorrow at around 11, okay?”

“Alright!” I said. “And I’ll have the usual please.”

“Okidoki, consider it my treat!” She said smiling. That was a also a first.

I finished eating and went over to the library. I decided to read at home; I didn’t want to bump into Jennifer. I mean, I really wanted to, but I just know this isn’t gonna work. It’s just a stupid fantasy. So I borrowed the book The Old Man and the Sea, it was a short book, just to kill time. I quickly headed home and entered my world. It was a quick read, it was about an old man trying to catch a huge fish. He spent days battling it and he finally caught it, but in the end, as he was going back to shore, he lost it. All of it. Yet, he wasn’t mad about it. He wasn’t furious. He just accepted it. I wonder how anyone could do that, you work so hard for something but in the end it’s taken all away. That’s real tough, if it were me, I’d go crazy and berserk. I finished the book by 5 and killed time by going to the roof top. I laid on the tiles and just watched the sky, I watched the clouds pass by, the birds fly, and the sun slowly go down. The sun set reminded me of Jennifer again. Could I really distance myself from her? Her beauty was way greater than the sunset yet I couldn’t even keep myself from watching the sun go down. I was greatly attracted to its beauty. How much more Jennifer’s beauty. Could I really distance myself from her pull? Could I really do it?

Day 4 — Alone time

I woke up feeling sick. I was full of energy last night but now I felt like I had as much energy as a 90 year old on his deathbed. I decided to stay in bed and didn’t bother getting out until it was around 3. It reached that point wherein I was so tired and lazy, but at the same time so hungry. I had no choice but to make myself something to eat. I was walking like a zombie to the kitchen and used every ounce of energy I had to make myself a sandwich. What a simple sandwich it was, one piece of bread with ham. I was about to take a bite, but I didn’t have an appetite at all. I was so hungry but I just couldn’t eat it. It was definitely one of the worst feelings. I walked back to my room and laid down.

“Damn this sucks.” I told myself. I guess I didn’t have a choice. I wanted to go back to the library so bad in hope of seeing Jennifer, but my body just wouldn’t get up. I wonder what it would be like to have someone right now— someone to help me. I wish Jennifer was here. I didn’t know her so much but I wanted to. I wanted to know her so bad — I wanted to know every tiny detail about her. Everything. All her small flaws, all her tiny habits, and everything that made her—her. I remembered the saying “Loving a person doesn’t mean you see through all their flaws. It means you see all their flaws but still choose to love them. It’s all about seeing that imperfect person perfectly.” I wanted to see all her flaws, and all her imperfections and still love her. I wanted to see her, perfectly.

My mind was consumed with the thought of her but it made me start feeling better. I felt the happiness and the energy that came with it slowly come back. It was 6 and I decided to try to eat again. I made myself another sandwich and I was able to eat it. I figured since I had nothing to do but rest that I would go to my second “me area” — the rooftop. My apartment, was the only one with access to the rooftop. Well not really, I had to climb out my window, then climb up, but it wasn’t any trouble at all. I came here a lot, but only early in the morning or when the sun sets. It was my special thinking place at home. I sat on the roof tiles and just watched the world go by. I would usually just watch people. Not in a creepy stalker way though, but in an observant way. I watched my neighbors mow their lawn, or walk their dog. I watched the cars pass by and would sometimes count how many passed in the hour. I watched the bikers bike and the joggers jog, but I don’t remember ever seeing Jennifer pass by, or maybe I just didn’t notice, but then again, it’s almost impossible not to notice Jennifer. I stayed here and watched the sunset. It had a perfect view of the sunset plus it was beyond gorgeous. It reminded me of Jennifer. Such a beautiful view to see. But not even the sunset was worthy enough of comparison to Jennifer.

Day 3 — Coincidence Part two

It was summer, so almost everyday I’d go to the library since it was just a few blocks from my place. Deep down I was hoping I’d see her again, and maybe my dream would come true. Like literally. Anyway, it didn’t  I grabbed The Great Gatsby and went to the usual History area. I sat in my same corner and again I couldn’t read. Staring at the pages, I was disappointed that I didn’t see her. Idiot, I knew I shouldn’t have thought about it. I tried my best to forget it and started to read. After a few pages, I came across,

“For a moment the last sunshine fell with romantic affection upon her glowing face; her voice compelled me forward breathlessly as I listened – then the glow faded, each light deserting her with lingering regret, like children leaving a pleasant street at dusk.”
And I couldn’t help but think of her. It’s almost like Fitzgerald wrote this exact paragraph just for her. I forced myself to forget it and entered my world again.

Lunch time came. I usually have lunch in the diner beside the library. It’s nice there ’cause although the food was cheap, trust me, it was as good as a five-star meal and plus I had a friend there, Gretchen. Gretchen was the only waitress there and she knew me since I came there a lot. She was in her late 30′s but she seemed like she was in her 20′s. she was kind and friendly, and I could tell she cared for me.
“Hey Gretchen! How ya doing?”

“Same old, same old, Callum. You? Any plans for the summer?” She smiled. It wasn’t as amazing as “Jennifer’s” but it was still the kind that could make you smile.

“Still alive and breathing. Just the usual, so I guess you’d see me a lot.” I smiled back.

“Oh that would make my summer.” She knew how to sweet talk her customers. “Eating alone again? You should make some friends, Callum.” It was obvious she was concerned. She keeps telling me to make friends.

“I’m good as I am.” Still smiling. “The usual please.”

“If you say so, Callum. Coming right up!”

I always made sure to get a Vanilla milkshake, they had the best milkshakes I’ve ever tried in my life. I finished my meal, and went back to the library. It was around 1 o’clock, the same time the dork incident happened yesterday. I guess I was still hoping I’d see her. I didn’t  Good thing is, I was able to finish The Great Gatsby. I wish I were more like Gatsby, maybe that’s what I’ll tell myself, be more like Gatsby. Well except for calling everyone old sport. That was kinda weird. Anyway, it was around 6 by the time I finished. I decided to go home and call it a day. I left the library and walked home when I heard a “DORK!” Huh? I thought to myself. “Hey dork!” I turned around and saw her smiling. It was the prettiest scene I’ve ever looked at. She was wearing running attire, her face slightly flushed. It made her even more beautiful.

“Uh hi” I stuttered again, damn, hi?

“Hi?” She was giggling. “You sure do know how to knock a girl off her feet.” It was sort of sarcastic, somewhat teasing me but it felt as if there was little truth in it.

I remembered my dream and I tried to pull it off. “Are you gonna keep calling me a dork–” I forgot what was next, I was panicking. Ahh I shouldn’t have. I ended up silent.

Smiling, she said “Well duh, dork” and giggled again. “By the way, the name’s Jennifer.”

What? But in my dream.. Oh wait, I heard her friend call her yesterday.

“No wonder” I sort of whispered.

“What’d ya say dork?” Still smiling.

“Oh uh, the name’s Callum.” I didn’t stutter this time.

“That’s a nice name, dork. Anyway, I have to go, see you later!” She smiled one last time and continued jogging.
I continued walking and I couldn’t believe what just happened. I wished the conversation was longer. I wanted to talk to her so bad, I just didn’t know what to say. But I was so overcome with happiness, that I forgot about that. I just talked to a girl!! I was beyond happy. I wanted to do my happy dance but I guess it was too public. I ran upstairs to my apartment and the moment the door closed, I was jumping up and down, dancing. Who’s the man?! Who’s the man?! I’m the man! I felt so confident after just that. I started cooking dinner, and just couldn’t help it, Can you sme-e-e-e-ell what the Callum is cooking?! I’m cooking greatness! I’m cooking Callum!! I made no sense at all, I was crazy. But that’s what happens when you’re in love, you go crazy.

Day 3 — Coincidence Part one

“Dork!” She was standing by the entrance of the library.

“Hey what’s up. You gonna keep calling me dork or are you gonna ask for my name?” I smiled.

“I thought it’s the guy who asks for the girl’s name first?” She said, giggling. She sure did know what to say.

“Well I’m not just any ordinary guy, you see.” Keeping my smile. I was beyond smooth and beyond confident. She looked like she tried to contain her smile, but she couldn’t.

“You’re good with words.” She remarked. She walked towards me and grabbed my hand. She pulled out a pen and started writing. She leaned towards my ear and whispered. “The name’s Jennifer.” And walked away.

“My name’s Callum!” I sort of shouted. She ruined my composure.

“Call me” She said as she looked back smiling. I looked at my hand and saw her number.

“Wait” I sort of ran towards her. I wasn’t exactly thinking things through. “You forgot something.”

“And what exactly did I forget, dork?” She said, still smiling.

I leaned in and kissed her cheek.“That.” I smiled, confident as ever.

She blushed and was about to speak.

Beep beep beep beep. I woke up. Damn, it was just a dream. I turned over and hit the snooze button. It’s summer, why do I still set my alarm?! “Ahhh” I shouted, frustrated. I knew it were too good to be true. I got up and made myself breakfast. I lived alone in a small apartment; once I got out of my room, it was the kitchen/living room/dining room/everything else. I had a wornout but decent sofa, a tv, and my coffee table was a flat plane of wood on two beams. My dining area was just a table with one chair, just for me. I never had guest over and I had no relatives in town so I didn’t bother buying another one. My kitchen area was just a simple stove and a refrigerator. But even if it was just a small simple place, it was comfy, and it was home. I made myself cereal and then got ready. I kept thinking about my dream, damn, now that’s stuck in my head. No wonder I was so smooth. I knew that was something that only happened in books.

Day 2 — The beginning

“Hey dork!” She called me. I wasn’t sure if she was talking to me, I looked back and no one else was there. “You have something stuck on your back. Here let me take it off for you.” Her voice sounding sincere yet slightly quip. She held a paper saying ‘dork’. “Must have been one of those jock jerks who stuck it on you.”
“Uhmm..” I stood there speechless, I wasn’t used to people helping me — or talking to me.
“Cat got your tongue?” She giggled. Her face lighting up as she did. She was one of those types, the type of girl who looks even prettier when smiling or laughing.
“Tha-thanks for that.” I stuttered. I gave a warm smile hoping she’d return it but I’m pretty sure it failed as she reverted her attention back to her friend.
I walked to the History Area which was my favorite place to go. It contained mostly old dusty books which is why no one came here, so it became my little reading place. I had the book The Great Gatsby which I started reading yesterday. I sat in my cozy spot in the corner and entered “my world” but the thing is, I couldn’t. For the first time I couldn’t read. I kept remembering what happened. Thanks for that? What a lame thing to say I kept telling myself. I felt embarrassed. For some strange reason, I couldn’t stop thinking of how dumb I looked. It wasn’t the first time someone stuck something on my back nor did I make a fool of myself, but I couldn’t help it. She was different — The thought of her was stuck in my head. I couldn’t help but smile like an idiot. I’m not sure if it was the way her hair flowed down, or how her eyes, such beautiful eyes, lit up naturally. I’m not sure if it was her voice when she called me dork, or her smile after or even if it was her giggling as I stood there dumbfounded. I don’t know exactly what it was, but it caught me. I was so entangled by that moment that I just sat there — as if I were unable to think, like my mind was suddenly a vacuum — Yet, even if it was plausibly my most embarrassing moment, I’m glad it happened. ‘Cause moments like these rarely happen, and to the lucky few they happen to, they end up never the same.

Day 1 — First thing’s first

I’d say this isn’t some typical love story, but the thing is, it is. Boy meets girl, falls in love, and the most unbelievable sequence of events occur and none of it ever makes sense. Nothing makes sense, but that’s love, right? It makes sense because it doesn’t D’you get what I’m trying to say? Love is the most overused word, context, abstract feeling ever yet no one can truly define what love is. And I guess that’s what makes it so amazing — that even though we don’t know what love truly is, we know that when we’re with that one person, that one special person, everything makes sense: that even the craziest mystery of “What is love?” finally has an answer and this time, I finally found mine — I finally found my answer — The answer to the mystery I didn’t even know I was trying to solve.